Women in danger, and what we can do about it

   Time for some fiction from Scandinavia. When I read Camilla Läckberg's “The Lost Boy”, a thread appeared to be running its course throughout the book. It was that of violence against women (its domestic version in particular), a kind of violence that can end up sometimes with the inevitable.

 

   The story unfolds in Fjällbacka, a quiet town in rural Sweden. The book is part of a series featuring Erica and Patrick, happily married with three children, an author and a homicide investigator respectively. When a murder stirs the calm waters in town, the investigation commences and a curl of interwoven stories disentangles. And it is these stories that portray fear, psychological and physical abuse, lives gone the wrong way, insanity, and ultimately death. The reader becomes witness of a series of crimes that expose a bitter truth: women are in danger and no restraining order or shelter or refuge can really help them out if the abuser is determined to reach to the extremes.

   It is no secret that domestic violence is a widespread reality, and a look into the statistics is the proof:

   1. Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.

   2. Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.

   3. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.

   4. Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.

   5. Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup.

   6. Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.

  7. Ninety-two percent of women surveyed listed reducing domestic violence and sexual assault as their top concern.

   8. Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the US alone—the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs.

   9. Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55 percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their partners had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the police for help.

  10. The costs of intimate partner violence in the US alone exceed $5.8 billion per year: $4.1 billion are for direct medical and health care services, while productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion.

  11. Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.

   

   Can anything be done at all? The answer is that there is a solution, there always is.   

   And it comes from Gavin DeBecker, an expert on the issue of personal safety from violent behavior. In his insightful book “The Gift of Fear” he stresses out that violent acts are not unpredictable. Most important however, Gavin DeBecker is an author who writes out of his vast personal experience and this gives him the ability to reach an unprecedented depth into his writings.

  

 I’ll provide you here with a list of pre-incident indicators associated with spousal violence and murder, as it appears in Gavin DeBecker’s book. Here it is:

  a. The woman has intuitive feelings that she’s at risk.

  b. At the inception of the relationship, the man accelerated the pace, prematurely placing on the agenda such things as coomitment, living together, and marriage.    

  c. He resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying and violence.

  d. He is verbally abusive

  e. He uses threats and intimidation as instruments of control or abuse. This includes threats to harm physically, to defame, to embarrass, to restrict freedom, to disclose secrets, to cut off support, to abandon, and to commit suicide.

  f. He breaks or strikes things in anger. He uses symbolic violence (tearing a wedding photo, marring a face in a photo, etc.)

  g. He has battered in prior relationships

  h. He uses alcohol or drugs with adverse affects (memory loss, hostility, cruelty).

  i. He becomes jealous of anyone or anything that takes her time away from the relationship; he keeps her on a “tight leash,” requires her to account for her time.

  j. He refuses to accept rejection.

  k. He has inappropriately surveilled or followed his wife/partner.

  l. He believes others are out to get him. He believes those around his wife/partner dislike him and encourage her to leave.

  m. He minimizes incidents of abuse.

  n. He tries to enlist his wife’s friends or relatives in a campaign to keep or recover the relationship.

  o. Weapons are a substantial part of his persona; he has a gun or he talks about, jokes about, reads about, or collects weapons.

  p. He suffers mood swings or is sullen, angry, of depressed.

  To sum up, read Camilla Läckberg’s book for your pleasure, then get a copy of Gavin DeBecker’s book and absorb it for your own safety’s sake. After you’ve done both, think of how we should educate kids (girls and boys) not only on solving math problems, but also on predicting and –of course- avoiding violence altogether.